Deep from the heart..

It has been a very long week for me. Being big and heavier doesn’t help me either. At 30^th week, I do felt some difficulties doing house chores especially taking my eldest for her bath. And yet, some people still see me as being healthy as normal. It was a compliment though, but not now. When what I need most is some help and understanding what I’ve been through now, it seems that no one is there for me.

I’ve been in and out of office for several extended days last few weeks. At the same time, trying to accommodate people whom I love their needs and attentions. I was exhausted and almost fell sick. Honestly, I don’t get much in return except false perception and misunderstood by what I’ve done. Sometimes I think I better shut my mouth and keep myself in silent mode, to avoid any arguments. At times, I felt neglected and felt sorry for the unborn baby that she too, has to feel what I feel now.

I remembered reading an email saying that a married woman should keep in touch with her ladies friends, because she will need them more than before she was married. I have no doubt in it. I keep list, but work and family has consumed my time for any social life. My circle of close friends is rather small. Brought up as the youngest with two siblings who were six and seven years older than me, I was raised being independent and rather individualistic. Five years in all girls’ boarding school did not help me either. I became more competitive in my own way. During college and univ time, I was surprised that I can actually face the humiliations and frustrations being sent home after couple of years abroad. My three years hardwork and perseverance were paid off with first class degree; I’ve done my parents proud and myself, satisfaction. Maybe that is why I feel more comfortable taking care my eldest alone, rather than having a stranger helping me at home.

For me, it is rather difficult to justify what I really need and want from people I am close to. It is more difficult if that person just could not understand your action and take things for granted. I hate being there but that’s part of life. I have to live with it.