I really feel that I need to write something about my nightmares. Last night, I was so tired that I slept in front of TV. Instead of watching CSI:NY, the TV watched me. DH woke me up to sleep in our bedroom. Without doing my usual routines, I slept. I did not realize when DH went into bed. I was in some old village and the atmosphere was happening, it was a preparation for a wedding. I was at a wedding place. I saw DH wearing his smart looking baju melayu and there is a lady near him, in beautiful laced baju kurung – both in matching pastel light blue, I think. But I did not see my children anywhere, not a single glimpse of Nabilah or Najihah nearby DH. Very strange feeling though. Suddenly, I was in a commotion – people sitting down looking anxiously at a couple, but I could not see the man's face. The man is holding hands with an elderly man. That lady was beside him, I recognized her face but I don't know her in person. The man looks like DH, but could he be one? Not sure. Then everything ended, people are smiling but not me. I saw DH sitting in front of that elderly man. But still, no sign of my children anywhere. Looking puzzled, I was led to a room and there, I was sitting near a queen size bed, beautifully decorated for newly married couple. Marriage? I began to realize what is happening. There were three pillows laid in a straight line near the bed headboard. Strange, is the third pillow for me? Tears trickling down my cheek and I started crying. An elderly woman appeared before me and whispered to me.. everything will be fine, it was meant to be like this.. I becoming more puzzled, what is meant to be? Who is this old woman? DH with another woman, where am I now.. where are my princesses. Am I dead? That was my last thought, when DH came into the room and said to me "I gave her to my nephew". Who? Then I woke up, I was an inch away from Najihah, who woke up for her early morning feeding at our room (but she is sleeping). I touched DH hands; he was there beside me, sleeping. I told him I had a nightmare. Another nightmare. I don't know what does it means, but it seems that someone is sending me signal that I may not have much time to stay here with my family.
For the past few years, I have been thinking what if something happen to both of us, who will then take care of our children. I have been contemplating to discuss with DH but we don't have 'our' time anymore. Everyday is filled with children, work and house chores. We were stressed while in US, I stressed even more as once, DH done something that I could not accept at that time. When we came back, I began to think if something happen to me while my children are still very young, will DH remarry and will the new person takes care and love them as much as I do? Is it fair if I ask DH not to remarry and takes care of the children until they are old enough to take care of themselves i.e. work and start their own family?. These thought burdened me up to this moment. DH always said I think too much and I should not do that.
I still hope it is just a night mare, not something meant to be a reality.
