Why me?

This week I have been reasoning with myself on why I am so demotivated to do my work and procrastinating on every bit of my latest venture into 'grounding' world. Yesterday I had a very busy day with potential new client and I ended up with recreational surfing for the last one hour of work before going to Alamanda for my kids' puzzles. I looked up at my office Wiki, and started thinking - what I want to see this office becomes, or at least what I want to see the lab becomes in a year. This morning, I spoke to a new SPAM lady boss and she wanted to know why staff turn around at this office is high. With us was another lady friend, and her views are completely different with me. Hopefully I did not send a wrong message to this lady boss. Well, everyone can have their own views but they need to have the same aspiration. While 2 weeks back my boss asked for my CV and short write up on my past achievements, and today I got quite impressive feedback. I was nominated as Researcher with Best Potential for 2008 Award and the award is pending our big boss approval. There was no such award last time. They made it up eventually. Haha. I am sure they are many others will be 'tak puas hati' with the selection. Duhh. I am not looking forward to any award, just doing what I think best for the company. Maybe in 2 years time, the Best Researcher Award will be mine. But why me? How do they measure my Potential? The burden is heavier now that everyone is looking at me, to be a Technical Expert in my field.

Life must go on. And if I got the award, credit goes to my team, my family and those people who work with me throughout the whole process of becoming a researcher.

To do or not to do..

I have tons of work but I have no mood to do work.. again! And I will be definitely tired of surfing the net. For my research work.. on paying blogging stuffs that is. Hehe. Anyway, today I found one mom that quit her 9 to 5 job to be a SAHM (that is Stay-At-Home-Mom), attended Montessori course at Diploma level, get paid by blogging and took care of her 3 children. Good for her. Wish I can do that but the luxury of being an engineer working on stuff that you think you like and get paid four figures a month, always trapped me in deciding whether to go on or to put a dot on this ‘luxury’ job. Well, being a practical person, quitting is not something that I will choose as an option. But I do like writing my thoughts and experiences whenever I feel like it. Thank God that we have blogging sites and I can post from email. Very easy. The company is watching, I knew but sometimes I just cannot work productively and started typing my thoughts away. As my work piled in, my motivation turned down and sometimes, I just decide that I need to work at night or early morning as I found that is the most productive time for me everyday.

 

Shame on me, not working full heartedly during the day but opted to stay up or wake early to do my work. That is me. And that is the way I live.

 

Side note: Someone is gonna be so happy tomorrow seeing this – Barbie on Cake! Happy Birthday (again!) Nabilah!!

 

Birthday, family and kids.

I had a wonderful Saturday with my kids, awful tiring Sunday with the in laws, eating marathon on Monday and tiring traveling day on Tuesday. It was all because this weekend was Chinese New Year weekend at my in-laws. We celebrated Nabilah's 5th birthday at Alamanda's Secret Recipe and bought her the Digital Frog Pet (she named her 'Gambir'). Travelled to Kemaman on the same day was a breeze as the kids was totally engrossed with their new toys (adik got her Doctor's Kit too!). The next morning, we wanted to go to Pasar Payang with the in-laws. I had hard time waiting for them (and the grown ups kids!) to step out of the door and move. We arrived very late in the afternoon, about 3 pm, the traffic was bad and the crowd was unbearable actually. My kids already restless and adik made me mad, and eventually I ended up not buying anything at Pasar Payang! No mood at all. Just waiting and waiting. What the heck, I was there to find DH's batik shirt, and we got them for very very good price, more than 50% off as DH is a local. They sold at higher prices for outsiders. Indeed, Sunday was a waiting day for me. On Monday, we had an eating marathon from morning till night. We had Nabilah's birthday ice-cream cake, nasi lemak, mee goreng, keropok lekor, kuih akok, otak-otak, sotong celup tepung, mee calong, ABC, apple juice, tea, satar, nasi kerabu, kuih puteri mandi, tepung bungkus, tepung pelita, ikan 'jebon' goreng, ayam kampung masak gulai, mandarin orange, ice lemon tea, coffee, and last but not least, air kosong. I already gained few kilos yesterday from the eathing marathon. Today, we braved the road early and luckily only few bad incidences with the kids as DH was already exhausted and went down with stomach ache. I looked at my FB (got a senior who married a Mat Salleh at Mexico, and I do not know if she already converted to Christian - drinking and all.. Nauzubillah!) and my email (damn, boss started to send series of trouble-emails for review tomorrow), and I am expecting a very super duper working day tomorrow.

All in all, thanks DH for a lovely 'waiting' and 'eating' weekend and all his efforts driving for hours for all of us. Love ya.

Are they my family?

My mom called yesterday afternoon asking me why I did not call for quite some time. It was kind of weird that she said that as I called once the last week of Dec 2008, and now it is only 24th January 2009. Honestly I seldom call home, if I do not see the need to do so. Since the 'disaster' episode at home, mom was kind of freaking out whenever she heard bad things around her. She told me that the family knows about dad's afffair but they chose to be silent, rather than seeking out the truth with my family - mom and dad. Pathetic, isn't it? They should have told mom straight away, but why after two years? and they have heart to actually accusing me of causing the tragedies since I am the one who asked mom to help looking after the children whenever I need to go outstation. Damn it! Not me who chose to have an affair! If I did not seek mom's help, the tragedy will happened too! I could not believe whatever mom said yesterday. I was hurt, definitely and it will change on how I look upon the family. Dishonesty and revenge. Nothing else. They show good face in front of you but talk bad behind you. I called DH right after that, but could not actually tell him the actual thing. Only at home, I told him the thing with my family (should I call them family now? I doubt I should). I need to be at the kenduri next week, with the kids minus DH. Today we are going back to Kemaman. We will celebrate Nabilah's birthday on the way - at Secret Recipe, and perhaps another celebration at my extended families. I hope there are families, as I feel not going to any family gathering anymore for the time being, except for my brother and sister.

http://nabilahouse.com still going strong...

Boggling Mind..

I need to write. I need my space. I got my space but I feel empty once I am in it. I am down with too much work and less time to think. But I think, I think that I think hard enough and boggled my mind. I had bad time on Sunday with the ‘breakfast’ incident. I am too lazy to cook in the morning, but the idea of asking DH to cook but I was the one who prepares the meal and later got free lecture made me think twice to ask again. I went out from the office yesterday, came back late at midnight only to find a silent house as everyone already slept. The kids, I did not see for almost 24 hours and it was weird. I dare not enter their bedroom as the young ones may wake up. Could not sleep much thinking about how should I do my work the next morning. I started to hate my work. Too much but I do not know where to throw it away. I can’t throw them away. I need to do. That is why I need to write. My mind is scrambling for things to discuss for unexpected meeting. I need to set those test sheets and all. I need to do that, I need to do this. While everyone else is enjoying their life. The truth is I am born to be a loner, and DH understand that but somehow he could not come understand why I became a loner. I lost the plan during the middle of last year. I stopped writing my weekly plan and I came up with short cuts. I strategize but the strategies ate me up. I lied, unintentionally, that everything will be fine despite the fact that everything needs to run speed light now. I need the proposals, but I could not do it alone. I have good team but I need them to be the best team. I am writing this, and I am the center of this conversation. I can do it, but someone needs to help me to come through. Who is that? I do not know. I need to write. I need my space. And the boggling conversation will never ends.. unless I decide to end it. Period.

 

11th day of war..

11^th day of war and the damn Kafiruns did not stop doing the cruel things to those innocent Palestinians people esp children and women. Another Perang Sabil? What the Arabs do to help? Muslims to boycott USA products? Why don’t the Arabs stop exporting their oil to the West, then there maybe some significant difference in turning down the US economics. I just pray that the war will end. Or else, damn those people who support the Israelis.

 

 

When the tough gets going...

.. the going gets tough. That’s what exactly I am feeling now. When I have no longer had to send my kids to school early morning, I am faced with stacks of papers surrounding me as early as 8 a.m. It is tough for me. I hate stacks of papers, unorganized but yet it is my work. I spent the good one hour this morning separating useless papers, minutes and old reports from the good ones. I need space to work, eventually I realized that after several years working under constant unorganized paper stacks! Haha. I am thinking now of getting the so-called Tiger Paper Work (?), can’t remember now actually but the website said the software will help me organize papers and reduce clutter. What I am thinking now, is a trip to Ikea with lots of money and buy those beautiful looking working filing cabinet or simply a paper shredder to reduce the clutters! I hope this company will implement paperless office as most of the approval papers – like morning attendance, leave, and many more can be done online. They are just being ignorant to the existence of digital signature. Everything must be signed, make copies, distribute etc. What a waste of trees!

 

Well, it is me and I am working now. Minus several stacks of useless papers.

 

NBA

 

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2nd day of school..

I went to the school this morning to get everything in order. We decided to give our own mattresses for the kids as they were sleeping on the carpet yesterday. Maybe the teachers were not aware that kids don’t sleep on carpet! Najihah was totally restless yesterday evening as she did not have her nap during the day. Kakak was quite ok since she is older but still she needs her naptime. Then, DH called me and told that Najihah does not want to go to ‘purple school’. What an improvement! I was in disbelief. Give another one week and we will see the progress. Hope she will get her nap today.

 

 

First day at a new school

Today we sent both girls to the new school – IIUM Montessori at Bandar Seri Putra. I had mixed feelings sending them this morning. First, sad that I will not hear their voice for about 10 hours every school day, as sending them to school is DH duties from now on. Second, I do not know whether our investment of RM600 per month for both kids is worth all the trouble or not. There are tons of things they need to achieve for the 1^st term, like in 3 months time, Nabilah will be able to read, recognize noun and verb and so on. She is just turning 5 yrs old end of the month but already there are loads of things she has to do! I am acting like a skeptical mother, but I am looking forward to see improvement on their practical life skills. We gonna have to put in a large notice board so that we won’t forget their school schedules etc.

 

The kids are getting older, and we are getting older too. How I miss them when they were just tiny little babies 3-4 years ago.